As a teacher we all look forward to summer. Its a much needed break and I know that other people may read this and think I deserve a break too and I agree but don't think that all teacher do in the summer is go on vacation.
Many teachers myself included use this time to go to trainings, build curriculum, tutor, teach summer school, catch up on some much needed family time, and spend the days thinking of what do do next school year.
Many teachers have to teach or tutor because the summer means 2-3 months without a paycheck so going on vacation is pretty much out of the question. Trainings cost money as well, and so does curriculum. You'll probably see a lot of teachers at book sales, or estate sales just trying to find one special book, or one special item that will help with the next generation of kids.
During the school year its hours of planning, writing, reports, worrying about specific students and being anxious about professional development reviews. Some teachers worry about having a job from year to year due to the fluctuations of budgets year to year. But let me tell you something I would gladly do this all year then be in relationship with my community.
To me summer means having to connect with others. It means no longer using school as an excuse, it means having to find something else to talk about. My life is my work. Ask me the right question and I could go on and on about my students or behavior or autism or anything educated related. Ask me a question about what to do with your own kid or how to teach a kid this and I will go on for hours. I would probably even offer to come observe and then hatch a game plan. I am good at my job. This is certain. This is a talent and gift the Lord has given me that is without a doubt. I read a card today that was given to me by one of my supervisors... it reads "you are one of the best teachers I've worked with over the last 37 years!" and reading things like this still surprises me. I know I am good at my job but I don't do it for the show of others. I just do.
2 weeks ago our church started a new series called encounters. Its going to be painful series I can already tell. My pastor wants us to encounter Jesus at our most broken part of ourselves. He asked us to sit and think of something that we need Jesus to encounter, take it and ask him to fix it, maybe not in the life time but just to take it. Admit it, and be open and honest about our brokenness. We are all broken in some way, but we don't talk about it. We don't do much with our brokenness. I know I don't. I keep others at arms length. Its difficult. Because being open means having people see what lies beneath the surface. It means having people see me for more than just a teacher. It means having people see my wounds. And above all else it means having to accept the love of others and loving them back openly.
I have a very wonderful friend who has always said "I love you" to me anytime we are texting or anytime we get off the phone. And I just don't know what to say. Of course I love her in my heart but to say the words. To actually say them to her its difficult. Some of you reading this may think why is this hard and my answer is I don't know. But I am thankful for my friend who has not given up on me and understands. My biggest worry is never saying it to those close to me and suddenly they are gone. I do care though, don't get me wrong and I do want to dive into deeper relationships with others but how. How do people do this? How do others love so freely? Which leads me to the question, How does God even love me? In all my sin and brokenness, how does he love me freely, chasing me, wanting to be in relationship with me. I know I keep him at arms length in some regards.
I think if someone were to ask my seriously, "how are you?" during the summer months, my answer would probably be "I'm barely holding on" but I won't say it because then the question why comes up or worse no response happens. I'm not comfortable with either answer because one response means being open and the other response means I was open but no one cares. I think that is the biggest struggle. And why should others care. They have their own lives to worry about. I'm better about taking others worries and praying for them. I'm good at that. Its letting others care for me that is not easy because it means relationship, it means actually talking about other things. It means being real.
Summer means real.
Monday, June 15, 2015
Monday, April 27, 2015
SELAH
Whenever I get too busy I always end up thinking of the word Selah. It is used 74 times in the bible with the majority of it being used in psalms. I was taught that Selah means break, or rest, or pause. I think God puts this in my mind to remind me to rest, break and pause.
In my life I don't have much. At least I think I have it pretty easy compared to the rest of the population. The population that has kids, that struggle to make ends meet, that work full time and come home and continue to work full time. Those that are trying to meet deadlines, and complete project, or complete homework. I have a job that I truly enjoy and love. I am good at my job and nobody can deny that I have a way with children and something magical can happen.
Because of this thought process I usually end up doing to much. I end up not taking breaks. I think to myself I can do this, if they can do it with all that they have then I can do it. My week is filled with going to work and constantly being on, my brain works over time to address specific issues with this kids, to write IEPs, to make deadlines, to fill out paperwork and to manage and address concerns from staff and parents. Then I come home and I make dinner, or I have more work to do, or I have church, and I actually just signed up for softball. There are days when its 8:00 and I think to myself where did my day go. Even though I enjoy doing all these things I am naturally an introvert. My perfect day is work, come home, make dinner and paint. My perfect weekend is to just paint, go on a bike ride and breath. Do I want weekends like this every week of course not because as a servant of God I desire to be in relationship with others. I desire to see my sister, brother-in-law and nephews, I desire to go out and watch movies, I have a desire to catch up with friends. Sometimes though I forget about finding the balance and find myself drained. When I am drained that's when I become overly sensitive about things. That's when I can start breaking down. That's when I take things too seriously and that's when I really am just tired. But I am constantly telling myself other people can do this. Other people are always helping others, or others are coming home and working with their own children. But then again they are not me and I am not them.
So how can we find balance?
I am reminded by my heavenly father everyday that everyone is unique and everyone's path is different. I am reminded that I am no good to anyone if I am too tired or just giving 50%. I am reminded by my husband to relax. I am reminded by my sister that she is grateful for any help I can give but to not over extend. I am reminded by my family, communication is important and to be honest. I am reminded by all my friends to just take it easy.
I am blessed to have a husband who will help me. Who understands me. I am blessed to have friends that understand we all have lives but that doesn't mean our relationships should suffer. Some weekends I need to remember to say no, I need some time. Some days I need to shut off my computer and brain and go home on time. For my own mental health I need to remember to spend time with myself and my father in heaven.
I am reminded to have Selah. Selah. Break, pause, rest.
In my life I don't have much. At least I think I have it pretty easy compared to the rest of the population. The population that has kids, that struggle to make ends meet, that work full time and come home and continue to work full time. Those that are trying to meet deadlines, and complete project, or complete homework. I have a job that I truly enjoy and love. I am good at my job and nobody can deny that I have a way with children and something magical can happen.
Because of this thought process I usually end up doing to much. I end up not taking breaks. I think to myself I can do this, if they can do it with all that they have then I can do it. My week is filled with going to work and constantly being on, my brain works over time to address specific issues with this kids, to write IEPs, to make deadlines, to fill out paperwork and to manage and address concerns from staff and parents. Then I come home and I make dinner, or I have more work to do, or I have church, and I actually just signed up for softball. There are days when its 8:00 and I think to myself where did my day go. Even though I enjoy doing all these things I am naturally an introvert. My perfect day is work, come home, make dinner and paint. My perfect weekend is to just paint, go on a bike ride and breath. Do I want weekends like this every week of course not because as a servant of God I desire to be in relationship with others. I desire to see my sister, brother-in-law and nephews, I desire to go out and watch movies, I have a desire to catch up with friends. Sometimes though I forget about finding the balance and find myself drained. When I am drained that's when I become overly sensitive about things. That's when I can start breaking down. That's when I take things too seriously and that's when I really am just tired. But I am constantly telling myself other people can do this. Other people are always helping others, or others are coming home and working with their own children. But then again they are not me and I am not them.
So how can we find balance?
I am reminded by my heavenly father everyday that everyone is unique and everyone's path is different. I am reminded that I am no good to anyone if I am too tired or just giving 50%. I am reminded by my husband to relax. I am reminded by my sister that she is grateful for any help I can give but to not over extend. I am reminded by my family, communication is important and to be honest. I am reminded by all my friends to just take it easy.
I am blessed to have a husband who will help me. Who understands me. I am blessed to have friends that understand we all have lives but that doesn't mean our relationships should suffer. Some weekends I need to remember to say no, I need some time. Some days I need to shut off my computer and brain and go home on time. For my own mental health I need to remember to spend time with myself and my father in heaven.
I am reminded to have Selah. Selah. Break, pause, rest.
Thursday, April 2, 2015
World Autism Awareness Day
Today, April 2nd, is World Autism Awareness Day. People are encouraged to wear blue as a symbol of supporting Autism Awareness. For me Autism celebration day is every day. I am not just aware of what impacts Autism can have on families I breath it everyday. I have been working and teaching children with Autism for almost 10 years now. I grew up with a relative with Autism. I saw the changes he went through and I had a good relationship with him. I love his brother and his parents in a way I don't think they could every know. I am drawn to these kids. God placed a gift of reaching these kids in my heart. I have made life long friends with families I have worked with and I know that Christ places me in specific situations for his glory.
I think of how blessed I am to be teaching these kids, I praise God everyday. I think about FAME and what an impact it may be and how the inspiration for FAME has and always will be because of my relative. I think about how to be a better teacher to these kids everyday.
As a teacher I build them up to becoming better versions of themselves, pushing them academically, socially, emotionally and behaviorally. Because I know they can reach potentials that are untapped. I infused art, music, creative writing, dancing, joking, and laughing in all areas of my classroom. I teach to their age and am not ignorant of kids growing up. In the past I've seen classrooms where everything is not to the age, immature. Kids aren't forced to speak up, or to request correctly, kids a coddled and not taught to be flexible. Depending on their age kids must be taught accordingly. If a kid is 18, the expectation should be texting on a phone, having a conversations with others, riding a bus and reporting back to parents they got to their job or got to college. The sky is the limit!
Everyday at work I celebrate these kids. I serve them. I teach them. I mold them into being a better version of themselves. This should not be confused with "fixing" them. I do not fix these kids because I don't believe there is anything to fix. I've worked along side people who want to fix things, fix stimulatory behaviors, fix sensory, fix their entire being. I don't believe in fixing these kids. There is nothing to fix. God made them a certain way just like he made all of us a certain way. They all have their own personalities. They all have their uniqueness. They all have a beauty in them about the world. Why should I squash what makes them wonderful. I have been around so many different kids and they are all different and remarkable in their own way. I celebrate who they are and push them to their limits. We must meet them at who they are and mold them into being better versions of themselves. We must meet them at their personalities and get to know each and everyone of them. We don't need to "normalize" these kids because what is normal really? Who is normal? And who set the standard for "normal." I know I am not normal and to be honest I don't want to be. I don't want to be another faceless person in society. We are all so wonderful and we all have differences that make us wonderful. Same goes with kids and people with Autism. They are all so wonderful. I love my kids. They make me laugh. They make me want to be better. They make me excited about my job everyday. To watch them progress into amazing people while still holding on to who they are. Beautiful
Meet them where they are or else you might just miss out on getting to know some remarkable people!
I think of how blessed I am to be teaching these kids, I praise God everyday. I think about FAME and what an impact it may be and how the inspiration for FAME has and always will be because of my relative. I think about how to be a better teacher to these kids everyday.
As a teacher I build them up to becoming better versions of themselves, pushing them academically, socially, emotionally and behaviorally. Because I know they can reach potentials that are untapped. I infused art, music, creative writing, dancing, joking, and laughing in all areas of my classroom. I teach to their age and am not ignorant of kids growing up. In the past I've seen classrooms where everything is not to the age, immature. Kids aren't forced to speak up, or to request correctly, kids a coddled and not taught to be flexible. Depending on their age kids must be taught accordingly. If a kid is 18, the expectation should be texting on a phone, having a conversations with others, riding a bus and reporting back to parents they got to their job or got to college. The sky is the limit!
Everyday at work I celebrate these kids. I serve them. I teach them. I mold them into being a better version of themselves. This should not be confused with "fixing" them. I do not fix these kids because I don't believe there is anything to fix. I've worked along side people who want to fix things, fix stimulatory behaviors, fix sensory, fix their entire being. I don't believe in fixing these kids. There is nothing to fix. God made them a certain way just like he made all of us a certain way. They all have their own personalities. They all have their uniqueness. They all have a beauty in them about the world. Why should I squash what makes them wonderful. I have been around so many different kids and they are all different and remarkable in their own way. I celebrate who they are and push them to their limits. We must meet them at who they are and mold them into being better versions of themselves. We must meet them at their personalities and get to know each and everyone of them. We don't need to "normalize" these kids because what is normal really? Who is normal? And who set the standard for "normal." I know I am not normal and to be honest I don't want to be. I don't want to be another faceless person in society. We are all so wonderful and we all have differences that make us wonderful. Same goes with kids and people with Autism. They are all so wonderful. I love my kids. They make me laugh. They make me want to be better. They make me excited about my job everyday. To watch them progress into amazing people while still holding on to who they are. Beautiful
Meet them where they are or else you might just miss out on getting to know some remarkable people!
Monday, March 30, 2015
Humbled
This past week I've been blessed in so many ways. My last blog was about stepping out in faith. And letting God meet you in that faith. I will say that he did, he did in every way. Ways I didn't think were possible.
This past week was spring break and I definitely needed a break. I work hard at my job and even though my job prospects are in the air right now I was given some great news and words of comfort. I was praised for being an amazing teacher who will have a 99% chance of getting a job next year but because I don't believe in being prideful and foolish I applied to other school district for the next coming school year. I was blessed last year to step into my dream job and I know God will bless me again. The question reminds where he will need me to serve. I am continually praying that he lay down my job path and I hope you all will pray with me.
My mom also came to visit last week and I am so grateful to have a job that allows me to take some time off to spend it with her. I don't get to talk to my parents very much and I miss them everyday. She was able to spend the week at our house and cook us dinner and talk with us. We took her shopping and Kyle finished up school so spent an entire day with her. It wonderful to see my mom and be with her. She made me her dumplings and they were so good. She also floated the idea of us getting a 2 bedroom so that when they come to visit they can stay with us. Kyle and I are so excited about this idea. We enjoy having my parents stay with us and I know this will also be good for Kyle's parents whom we also really enjoy! I know some people may not understand but Kyle and I love hanging with our parents and I think its because we have such short amounts of time with them we cherish the time we do have.
Then for spring break I decided to help my sister and her good friend out by watching their kids. Kyle and I took care of 2 eight month olds and a 3 year old and 4 year old. I praise the Lord for Kyle because I think by the end of the week I would've lost my mind. The kids were good but getting the babies to sleep was another story. It worked out very nicely though and we got some extra money that we desperately needed for new brakes on the Honda. I know that I need a break but I am blessed that I even get the option of a break. I know that most other people do not get a break for spring or a break for summer and my sister is one of them. I can't imagine what other families do when school break for spring. It would be nice to go on vacation but sometimes it just doesn't work out and I know from others that finding care for a week is a difficult task. Kyle and I are great when it comes to serving. We know we are called to serve and so we serve. The problem comes though when its time to accept help. I think as Christians when you've been walking with Christ long enough it is much easier to serve than ask for or accept help. Its always been easy for me to give to my friends, to help out here and there with my family but when its time for us to ask for help God has always stepped in for me. I think its because he knows I won't ever ask. Its not even out of pride its just mainly out of just not wanting to ask. I hate inconveniencing people and others especially my parents and family. My parents raised me with a strong sense of responsibility. My dad taught me so much about how to save and budget so much that I struggle with being too controlling when it comes to money. God always has to wrench that control away from me by humbling me. My dad worked so hard when I was growing up and he still works so hard. I hate seeing him work so hard, so I've always worked hard so that he wouldn't have to worry about me. That may be pride. Prideful that I don't need anyone's help. But I've come to realize there is a difference in asking for help when unexpected things happen. When Kyles Uncle died God stepped in with friends offering to share miles with us. We never would've ask on our own but he knew that we needed help because it happened unexpectedly. And than this last week my dad sent me a check just because he felt led to and I couldn't be more appreciative or in awe of how God stepped in with this money. My dad has always told me he would be there for me and I know he will but I know he knows that I will never ask him for anything. So he took it upon himself and gifted me with what Kyle and I needed. I've been trying to find the resources to push FAME forward and out of the blue my dad sends a check to me. Its so surreal that I still lie awake at night just praising God. It solidifies his plans for FAME and solidifies him meeting me in faith. Kyle and I pushed forward with helping others, not worrying about cost of things and put our faith in Christ knowing he will give us what we need. I praise God for my Dads faith and his walk with Christ.
I praise God for the time I get to spend with family and friends.
I praise God for my job and his plans for next year.
I praise God for pushing Kyle into school.
I praise God.
I praise God.
As CS lewis once wrote as a Christian I can never be humble I can only be humbled.
I praise God for always humbling me.
This past week was spring break and I definitely needed a break. I work hard at my job and even though my job prospects are in the air right now I was given some great news and words of comfort. I was praised for being an amazing teacher who will have a 99% chance of getting a job next year but because I don't believe in being prideful and foolish I applied to other school district for the next coming school year. I was blessed last year to step into my dream job and I know God will bless me again. The question reminds where he will need me to serve. I am continually praying that he lay down my job path and I hope you all will pray with me.
My mom also came to visit last week and I am so grateful to have a job that allows me to take some time off to spend it with her. I don't get to talk to my parents very much and I miss them everyday. She was able to spend the week at our house and cook us dinner and talk with us. We took her shopping and Kyle finished up school so spent an entire day with her. It wonderful to see my mom and be with her. She made me her dumplings and they were so good. She also floated the idea of us getting a 2 bedroom so that when they come to visit they can stay with us. Kyle and I are so excited about this idea. We enjoy having my parents stay with us and I know this will also be good for Kyle's parents whom we also really enjoy! I know some people may not understand but Kyle and I love hanging with our parents and I think its because we have such short amounts of time with them we cherish the time we do have.
Then for spring break I decided to help my sister and her good friend out by watching their kids. Kyle and I took care of 2 eight month olds and a 3 year old and 4 year old. I praise the Lord for Kyle because I think by the end of the week I would've lost my mind. The kids were good but getting the babies to sleep was another story. It worked out very nicely though and we got some extra money that we desperately needed for new brakes on the Honda. I know that I need a break but I am blessed that I even get the option of a break. I know that most other people do not get a break for spring or a break for summer and my sister is one of them. I can't imagine what other families do when school break for spring. It would be nice to go on vacation but sometimes it just doesn't work out and I know from others that finding care for a week is a difficult task. Kyle and I are great when it comes to serving. We know we are called to serve and so we serve. The problem comes though when its time to accept help. I think as Christians when you've been walking with Christ long enough it is much easier to serve than ask for or accept help. Its always been easy for me to give to my friends, to help out here and there with my family but when its time for us to ask for help God has always stepped in for me. I think its because he knows I won't ever ask. Its not even out of pride its just mainly out of just not wanting to ask. I hate inconveniencing people and others especially my parents and family. My parents raised me with a strong sense of responsibility. My dad taught me so much about how to save and budget so much that I struggle with being too controlling when it comes to money. God always has to wrench that control away from me by humbling me. My dad worked so hard when I was growing up and he still works so hard. I hate seeing him work so hard, so I've always worked hard so that he wouldn't have to worry about me. That may be pride. Prideful that I don't need anyone's help. But I've come to realize there is a difference in asking for help when unexpected things happen. When Kyles Uncle died God stepped in with friends offering to share miles with us. We never would've ask on our own but he knew that we needed help because it happened unexpectedly. And than this last week my dad sent me a check just because he felt led to and I couldn't be more appreciative or in awe of how God stepped in with this money. My dad has always told me he would be there for me and I know he will but I know he knows that I will never ask him for anything. So he took it upon himself and gifted me with what Kyle and I needed. I've been trying to find the resources to push FAME forward and out of the blue my dad sends a check to me. Its so surreal that I still lie awake at night just praising God. It solidifies his plans for FAME and solidifies him meeting me in faith. Kyle and I pushed forward with helping others, not worrying about cost of things and put our faith in Christ knowing he will give us what we need. I praise God for my Dads faith and his walk with Christ.
I praise God for the time I get to spend with family and friends.
I praise God for my job and his plans for next year.
I praise God for pushing Kyle into school.
I praise God.
I praise God.
As CS lewis once wrote as a Christian I can never be humble I can only be humbled.
I praise God for always humbling me.
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
FAITH
This last week was an interesting week. I received some amazing news while at the same time receiving some disappointing news.
The amazing news it that I was approved to use a building for FAME's summer camp program! Amazing!! I can start to see my dreams coming true. This will just be a trial run and I am praying it goes very well!
The news that was hard to swallow was when looking at our finances we are realizing that we are going to be on a very tight budget. The rate of taxes and escrow increases on the house we own in North Carolina. We really should sell it but right now was have tenants at the house and we are hoping they are willing to buy the house. We don't want to be upside down on the house but if they don't want to buy the house then we will need to let them finish their lease and then try to find a month to month tenant. We can't let the house sit empty but we can't be tied to a lease. Its a tricky spot and we are praying God opens a door for us.
I know other people have more difficult issues and this is nothing to be upset about but to us it is hard. We need to save for Kyles school and with just the one income its becoming difficult. We are so thankful we moved to oregon because the cost of living is so cheap that we still can put food on the table and have a roof over our heads. I don't think we could do this in California to tell you the truth.
This week I also received the news that my current job will be terminated at the end of June. I was hired on as a temporary contract. I knew this going in but its sad to hear that right now its all in the air. It was nice to hear my principal tell me that I am doing a fantastic job and that if it was up to him he would hire me now. To hear him say that as soon as he knows something he will let me know and that the community is very impressed with the improvements to the classroom at my school. But the flip side is that worse case I don't come back to Beaverton School district next year, which means I must scramble for another job. I am sure I will be able to find another job but it is tiring.
Just in the week alone I was face with doubts and trying to figure out what to do. I was falling into a spiral of trying to keep in control while trying to desperately let go of control. And then we went to church and Pastor Chuck preached about Faith.
God was literally speaking directly to me. The pastor painted two different outlooks on life. Looking at life through doubts lens and looking at life though faiths lens. He talked about how it just the way of life to be doubtful. The problem is that as people we usually want God to give us promises, to dot every I and cross every T before stepping out in faith. But is that faith? I remember when we moved to Oregon and took the leap of faith. We moved in faith and it wasn't until we took a few steps that God gave us the confirmation of what we were doing. He talked about faith isn't waiting for God to set something up, but it is us taking a step in Faith and then having God affirm our actions. He explained that when God doesn't meet us in Faith then its ok because you didn't base the decision on that its faith. Faith doesn't mean everything is figured out, we can't wrap our minds around it.
When I think about faith I think about the kind of teacher I am. Many times teachers will plan things to the T and will expect things to go a certain way. The problem with that is teaching children is very unexpected. And the way I teach is actually very relaxed, I often times act in faith. I do plan in a sense what I want to do but I take steps in faith because I honestly don't know if changing a routine will actually be helping my kids or making things worse for my staff. I started a new job this year in a classroom where 3 of the 4 teachers did not want to be there. Some of these kids had 2 teachers in one year. They were ridge and very inflexible. I went in and changed everything. Some people may have just continue with what was happening because honestly sometimes that just makes more sense. I didn't, I took a leap of faith, I asked my staff to trust me (have them put faith in me) and I changed everything. And it was easy to see if something was right or not because it was either successful and affirmed or it wasn't. And the times it wasn't, that wasn't a big deal. I didn't build my whole classroom on hoping one things works, it was just stepping out in faith.
I feel like the technology day we live in almost makes it harder for us to walk in faith, because everything we need to know is at our finger tips. Everything we need to plan is at our finger tips. I believe our parents grew up having a lot of faith. My dad used to plan family vacations and all he had was a road map. He put faith in the map (getting us to our destination) and we put our faith in our dad.
When I watch the show "friends" I am reminded by just how far we have come in the world. Its wierd to watch a show were people don't "google" the answer for something, they just have to know it. There is an episode where Phoebe cuts Monica's hair and she gets the name of the actress wrong and ends up cutting the hair wrong. No one thought to check it on a phone, or computer. Phoebe just knew what she was doing, and Monica put her faith in her. It was wrong but she still tried it. And later in the episode Phoebe asks Rachel about a specific actress and Rachel ends up giving her wrong information, but Phoebe takes in faith. I mean in that one episode look at all the faith. Its probably not a very good example but in my world with out technology people acted in faith a lot more then the way they do now. Everything is within our reach, we don't just take people's words for it. People don't even get lost anymore. Everything is dotted and cross before even taking a step. And I know this is why its so difficult for me to remember what faith is. And I thank the Lord that he loves me so much to remind me so gently to have faith. I think I could drive my self crazy worrying about things, but I don't as much because I have faith that the direction Kyle and I are going will either be affirmed or not. And it won't matter either way because we are acting on faith anyway.
While we live in our instant noodle world, I think its time to take a step toward making risotto. It may take longer and take lots of patience but it taste so much better.
Slow down and live in faith.
The amazing news it that I was approved to use a building for FAME's summer camp program! Amazing!! I can start to see my dreams coming true. This will just be a trial run and I am praying it goes very well!
The news that was hard to swallow was when looking at our finances we are realizing that we are going to be on a very tight budget. The rate of taxes and escrow increases on the house we own in North Carolina. We really should sell it but right now was have tenants at the house and we are hoping they are willing to buy the house. We don't want to be upside down on the house but if they don't want to buy the house then we will need to let them finish their lease and then try to find a month to month tenant. We can't let the house sit empty but we can't be tied to a lease. Its a tricky spot and we are praying God opens a door for us.
I know other people have more difficult issues and this is nothing to be upset about but to us it is hard. We need to save for Kyles school and with just the one income its becoming difficult. We are so thankful we moved to oregon because the cost of living is so cheap that we still can put food on the table and have a roof over our heads. I don't think we could do this in California to tell you the truth.
This week I also received the news that my current job will be terminated at the end of June. I was hired on as a temporary contract. I knew this going in but its sad to hear that right now its all in the air. It was nice to hear my principal tell me that I am doing a fantastic job and that if it was up to him he would hire me now. To hear him say that as soon as he knows something he will let me know and that the community is very impressed with the improvements to the classroom at my school. But the flip side is that worse case I don't come back to Beaverton School district next year, which means I must scramble for another job. I am sure I will be able to find another job but it is tiring.
Just in the week alone I was face with doubts and trying to figure out what to do. I was falling into a spiral of trying to keep in control while trying to desperately let go of control. And then we went to church and Pastor Chuck preached about Faith.
God was literally speaking directly to me. The pastor painted two different outlooks on life. Looking at life through doubts lens and looking at life though faiths lens. He talked about how it just the way of life to be doubtful. The problem is that as people we usually want God to give us promises, to dot every I and cross every T before stepping out in faith. But is that faith? I remember when we moved to Oregon and took the leap of faith. We moved in faith and it wasn't until we took a few steps that God gave us the confirmation of what we were doing. He talked about faith isn't waiting for God to set something up, but it is us taking a step in Faith and then having God affirm our actions. He explained that when God doesn't meet us in Faith then its ok because you didn't base the decision on that its faith. Faith doesn't mean everything is figured out, we can't wrap our minds around it.
When I think about faith I think about the kind of teacher I am. Many times teachers will plan things to the T and will expect things to go a certain way. The problem with that is teaching children is very unexpected. And the way I teach is actually very relaxed, I often times act in faith. I do plan in a sense what I want to do but I take steps in faith because I honestly don't know if changing a routine will actually be helping my kids or making things worse for my staff. I started a new job this year in a classroom where 3 of the 4 teachers did not want to be there. Some of these kids had 2 teachers in one year. They were ridge and very inflexible. I went in and changed everything. Some people may have just continue with what was happening because honestly sometimes that just makes more sense. I didn't, I took a leap of faith, I asked my staff to trust me (have them put faith in me) and I changed everything. And it was easy to see if something was right or not because it was either successful and affirmed or it wasn't. And the times it wasn't, that wasn't a big deal. I didn't build my whole classroom on hoping one things works, it was just stepping out in faith.
I feel like the technology day we live in almost makes it harder for us to walk in faith, because everything we need to know is at our finger tips. Everything we need to plan is at our finger tips. I believe our parents grew up having a lot of faith. My dad used to plan family vacations and all he had was a road map. He put faith in the map (getting us to our destination) and we put our faith in our dad.
When I watch the show "friends" I am reminded by just how far we have come in the world. Its wierd to watch a show were people don't "google" the answer for something, they just have to know it. There is an episode where Phoebe cuts Monica's hair and she gets the name of the actress wrong and ends up cutting the hair wrong. No one thought to check it on a phone, or computer. Phoebe just knew what she was doing, and Monica put her faith in her. It was wrong but she still tried it. And later in the episode Phoebe asks Rachel about a specific actress and Rachel ends up giving her wrong information, but Phoebe takes in faith. I mean in that one episode look at all the faith. Its probably not a very good example but in my world with out technology people acted in faith a lot more then the way they do now. Everything is within our reach, we don't just take people's words for it. People don't even get lost anymore. Everything is dotted and cross before even taking a step. And I know this is why its so difficult for me to remember what faith is. And I thank the Lord that he loves me so much to remind me so gently to have faith. I think I could drive my self crazy worrying about things, but I don't as much because I have faith that the direction Kyle and I are going will either be affirmed or not. And it won't matter either way because we are acting on faith anyway.
While we live in our instant noodle world, I think its time to take a step toward making risotto. It may take longer and take lots of patience but it taste so much better.
Slow down and live in faith.
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
Dream, Mission, Duty, Legacy....
So those who know me, know about FAME. Let me rephrase that. Those who are in my inner circle or are living in California know about FAME. I'm not saying that those who are around me now aren't in my inner circle but since moving here I haven't talked about FAME. FAME is short for focus on art and music education. It is a dream of mine. I've had this dream since 19. I dream of a school that will focus on the creative arts. A school were kids with different needs can come and express themselves. A school were kids can come and inspire others. But this dream is so beyond what I can accomplish. This is how I feel. How can I make this dream come true? I am only one person. I can feel Christ pushing me and constantly giving me ideas and inspiration to make it happen. I know this is his mission for me. This is what he expected me to fulfill. This dream. I don't believe I am on a mission to save the world. I don't believe I am on a mission to cure the children, but I do believe that we all have gifts and talents. And that for me my gifts and talents are to be used an a specific way. I don't believe everyone needs to start a company, I believe we each have different missions from God to be the best. If you have gifts and talents in the area of motherhood, be the best darn mother you can be. Gifts and talents to build houses, build them. I believe there is something that we each have that nags at us, that we can never let go until we are in it.
Everyone's dream can be big and daunting, but to me FAME is very big and daunting. Pouring over business books and looking at cost, space, employees, fundraising, and putting together a board of directors.. the list continues. I wish this were easier. I wish I could just shout out loud about the company and that we could fundraiser and people would donate. But I know even planning a fundraiser is hard work and not guaranteed to work. Plus I have never been good at accepting money even if it is for a cause. Its weird to me. What if they don't like where I use the money? What if I don't use it in the correct amount of time. So many opportunities to fail. So many opportunities to let people down. So many opportunities.
And yet I hear God saying, so many opportunities for my children. I hear him tell me not to fear. I hear him tell me to trust in him. I hear God telling me to walk the path he has laid with me. But isn't this the hardest thing to do as a Christian. To not only serve Christ but to follow his plans. I ask you all to pray for me as I believe its time to start it up for real. I've tested the waters in California, and right now its sounds like Oregon would really love something like this for kids.
Pray for God to open doors. For a space for the summer. For success. For fundraising.
As I obey his commands I know I can't do it alone.
This is for his kingdom.
This is for the Lord
Legacy
Everyone's dream can be big and daunting, but to me FAME is very big and daunting. Pouring over business books and looking at cost, space, employees, fundraising, and putting together a board of directors.. the list continues. I wish this were easier. I wish I could just shout out loud about the company and that we could fundraiser and people would donate. But I know even planning a fundraiser is hard work and not guaranteed to work. Plus I have never been good at accepting money even if it is for a cause. Its weird to me. What if they don't like where I use the money? What if I don't use it in the correct amount of time. So many opportunities to fail. So many opportunities to let people down. So many opportunities.
And yet I hear God saying, so many opportunities for my children. I hear him tell me not to fear. I hear him tell me to trust in him. I hear God telling me to walk the path he has laid with me. But isn't this the hardest thing to do as a Christian. To not only serve Christ but to follow his plans. I ask you all to pray for me as I believe its time to start it up for real. I've tested the waters in California, and right now its sounds like Oregon would really love something like this for kids.
Pray for God to open doors. For a space for the summer. For success. For fundraising.
As I obey his commands I know I can't do it alone.
This is for his kingdom.
This is for the Lord
Legacy
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Gotta have the right shoes
My bad ass big sister started a new job with a pretty awesome shoe company. Its so awesome that I'm afraid to mention it cause I'm not sure if I'm allowed. Anyway being that she works at this shoe giant I was able to ask for a pair of walking shoes. I walk a lot in my job and run every now and again. I have gone through quiet a few pairs of shoes and never have had a shoe really support me through out the day. I got my new pair from my sister and boy do they feel comfortable. With that I went and purchased a pair of running shoes. I've always wanted to be a runner. And recently I figured out the magical combination and I am proud to say I can run a mile in 11 minutes. That may seem really slow but that's me consistently jogging. I usually run and walk and run and walk and it takes me 14 minutes. But lately I can consistently keep my pace and I've been pushing myself to keep going and not taking a break. So with these new magical combination I decided I need a good pair of running shoes. They are comfortable and support me. But the other day I wore them all day during work and my feet hurt. My toes were not supported and I almost got blisters. This is the weirdest realization to have but it took having the right kind of shoes to make me understand why there is a separation between walking shoes and running shoes. For the longest time it has always been switchable for me. But while I was running yesterday and praying I realized that the way shoes support us for different reasons we also need to be supported by the right people in our lives. Our lives are a journey and some days we need to be patient, to vent, to walk and we need to right people in our lives to support us during that time. To support us the right way. If I am needing to be patient having a fire ball friend that just spit balls advice to me does not support me. If I am needing to be healthy having a friend tell me I don't need to lose weight (being healthy is not the same as losing weight) or offering me unhealthy things does not support me. I've never understood having friends that encourage unhealthy behaviors, but that's a blog for another day. We must surround ourselves with the right people. I don't believe the Christians must only be friends with Christians. I have plenty of wonderful friends who aren't believers and they support me in wonderful ways but I'm realizing that in the seasons of our lives we need different support. When I am running a marathon (like launching FAME) I need long term support. I need my husband, I need my family. I need the right running shoes. When I need to vent and get silly I need my sisters and brother. I need flip flops. We will go through periods in our lives where God will place specific people in our lives for that season. He knows best and he knows where we need support. It's important to know that in every part of our life God is every shoe. He fits every need, but we need to be in connection with them and reach for the different shoes. He won't be forcing the right shoe on us or throw things at us. We can't pray to him and ask for things because God isn't a shoe store, we need to be in prayer having a good relationship with him and trusting in him and the shoes he is putting on our feet. We need to tie up our laces, look at him and say Ok God lets go, take his hand and start walking, jogging, running, or skipping. He is the best support.
"Lets go God."
"Lets go God."
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Serving in the community
As the school year ending gets closer and closer I have to start trying to start up FAME. FAME is an organization I run in the summer for kids with special needs. It Focuses on Art and Music Education and in Cali it was very successful. I think if I was still there I would've had to rented out a space to accommodate all the students and make a summer camp.
I came up with this idea of having my own school company after I started working in schools when I was 19. I started noticing such a downward trend of cutting back from art and music. At the time it was all hush hush. People didn't realize that Art and music was getting cut from schools. It was just a little cut here and there. When I started my 2nd year of college it was evident that schools were losing money so the the first things that had to go was art and music. I actually went to college on an art scholarship, but after seeing the change in the schools I changed my major. I knew I would be able to do good in the schools by serving the kids with special needs and incorporate my own art with them. But as I finished my bachelors I felt God calling me to do much more. It wasn't good enough to just teach art and have music in schools once a week. It had to be infused in their lives. To me it was about giving them an outlet, a tool to speak their minds. I realized what a gift this is when my cousin started showing his talent in art. He would create these beautiful pieces and it was like looking into his mind and witnessing what he saw in the world. That was amazing. It was remarkable. These kids are remarkable. We all have gifts and talents. God has given us all our own wonderful qualities, but instead of trying to force these kids to fit into our "normal" I believe we need to step over to there side and witness their "normal." I am constantly amazed at these kids. They teach me so much about themselves and the world. Stopping and taking the time to find beauty in straws, princesses, trains, stairs, dates, numbers, birthdays, location, etc. I could go on and on.
But last week after listening to the sermon my pastor was giving I realized what I was missing. I realized its not even about serving these remarkable children. Its about serving all children, because they are all remarkable. Its about giving up and using the mission God has given me to serve families in need. Our church in embarking on this amazing mission to give back to the community and serve. We are partnering with a organization called safe families which partners with families that are homeless. And they help by working with families to not go through the fostering process. Many times families get ripped apart because of hard times and it just makes things that much more difficult for the children. While I was listening to our pastor talk about what things we could do as individuals to help this organization, I could hear the Lord tell me to use FAME. Use FAME as a summer program for these families. I can't imagine how much more difficult it is for these parents to go to work or job interview when they have to worry about what they child will be doing for the day. When school is out where can these kids go? I mean even the host families, what are they to do with the children, when they need the structure of a school day. To have a place for kids to go be creative and express themselves in the summer at no cost to families, this is what it means to serve. To give back to the community. But even the families with working moms and dads, what are they suppose to do with their children in summer? How can you find a quality program that won't cost you a fortune but will cultivate your children. FAME has always been a non-profit, faith based organization, but it took coming to Oregon for me to see the extend of God's mission for me. I've never lost hope in FAME and the ideals of FAME, but I did lose hope in getting it started. I lost hope in FAME ever becoming a reality. Now I see it coming together more clearly. It certainly took patience and trusting in the Lord. Continually keeping in the back of my mind, hearing God tell me to not give up and the time will come.
I continue to pray the steps I am taking to create this reality would be bring me closer to this dream. FAME summer camp coming 2015! We are so close!
I came up with this idea of having my own school company after I started working in schools when I was 19. I started noticing such a downward trend of cutting back from art and music. At the time it was all hush hush. People didn't realize that Art and music was getting cut from schools. It was just a little cut here and there. When I started my 2nd year of college it was evident that schools were losing money so the the first things that had to go was art and music. I actually went to college on an art scholarship, but after seeing the change in the schools I changed my major. I knew I would be able to do good in the schools by serving the kids with special needs and incorporate my own art with them. But as I finished my bachelors I felt God calling me to do much more. It wasn't good enough to just teach art and have music in schools once a week. It had to be infused in their lives. To me it was about giving them an outlet, a tool to speak their minds. I realized what a gift this is when my cousin started showing his talent in art. He would create these beautiful pieces and it was like looking into his mind and witnessing what he saw in the world. That was amazing. It was remarkable. These kids are remarkable. We all have gifts and talents. God has given us all our own wonderful qualities, but instead of trying to force these kids to fit into our "normal" I believe we need to step over to there side and witness their "normal." I am constantly amazed at these kids. They teach me so much about themselves and the world. Stopping and taking the time to find beauty in straws, princesses, trains, stairs, dates, numbers, birthdays, location, etc. I could go on and on.
But last week after listening to the sermon my pastor was giving I realized what I was missing. I realized its not even about serving these remarkable children. Its about serving all children, because they are all remarkable. Its about giving up and using the mission God has given me to serve families in need. Our church in embarking on this amazing mission to give back to the community and serve. We are partnering with a organization called safe families which partners with families that are homeless. And they help by working with families to not go through the fostering process. Many times families get ripped apart because of hard times and it just makes things that much more difficult for the children. While I was listening to our pastor talk about what things we could do as individuals to help this organization, I could hear the Lord tell me to use FAME. Use FAME as a summer program for these families. I can't imagine how much more difficult it is for these parents to go to work or job interview when they have to worry about what they child will be doing for the day. When school is out where can these kids go? I mean even the host families, what are they to do with the children, when they need the structure of a school day. To have a place for kids to go be creative and express themselves in the summer at no cost to families, this is what it means to serve. To give back to the community. But even the families with working moms and dads, what are they suppose to do with their children in summer? How can you find a quality program that won't cost you a fortune but will cultivate your children. FAME has always been a non-profit, faith based organization, but it took coming to Oregon for me to see the extend of God's mission for me. I've never lost hope in FAME and the ideals of FAME, but I did lose hope in getting it started. I lost hope in FAME ever becoming a reality. Now I see it coming together more clearly. It certainly took patience and trusting in the Lord. Continually keeping in the back of my mind, hearing God tell me to not give up and the time will come.
I continue to pray the steps I am taking to create this reality would be bring me closer to this dream. FAME summer camp coming 2015! We are so close!
Monday, February 2, 2015
Genuine
Last week was a blur. Kyle and I flew to California to say good bye to his uncle. I don't remember much of last week. The only thing that continues to be said in my head is the word "genuine." What does this word really mean? Many people at the funeral said "Uncle Jim was a genuine guy." How does one become genuine? When I think of what that word means I think of people that are real and true to who they are and don't falter in anyway. Can anyone really be genuine? So many things influence us in our lives and cause us to change. Maybe genuine means you get what you see. If that is the case, how often do we actually get what see? I think back to a lesson I learned a long time ago. We all wears masks. Work masks, Family masks, Friends masks, relationship masks, and so on. What does it take to strip away the masks and really just be us, be bare for the world to see. How would the world be different if we all just were allowed to be ourselves? How scary would it be? How wonderful would it be? I think this is why I work with kids with special needs. There are no mask with them. Its easy. I get what I see.
But I think for everyone else to come to this point in our world it would have to be followed by loving everyone. For Uncle Jim, every time someone said he was "genuine" it was also followed by, "he loved everyone." This concept is so difficult for me because I believe the word "love" is thrown around so much that I keep it close. I think it is amazing when someone can really open up and love everyone. I know that for me it is difficult, it is difficult for me to accept love and give it. I think of the message we heard at church yesterday. Jesus loved and showed love. First thing he did is, Jesus gave himself, relationally, making himself available. In Jesus, he demands that we give self, not just finances. Jesus viewed generosity as a means of service and not power. Jesus always brought value to people when he served them. Being humbled, and putting their person ahead of himself. I think this is what is means to be genuine and love everyone. The funny thing is I serve, I serve in my own way and this is how I show love. I won't hug, or say it, but if you find yourself being brought a meal, being thrown a party, being brought a treat, being painted something or being made a cake you'll know that I do indeed love you. The hurdle to leap across is giving myself relationally. It's difficult. I know it is demanded of me. And I thank all the people in my lives that cause me to squirm because you give me hugs. Day by Day I am being molded. Forever on the potters wheel.
But I think for everyone else to come to this point in our world it would have to be followed by loving everyone. For Uncle Jim, every time someone said he was "genuine" it was also followed by, "he loved everyone." This concept is so difficult for me because I believe the word "love" is thrown around so much that I keep it close. I think it is amazing when someone can really open up and love everyone. I know that for me it is difficult, it is difficult for me to accept love and give it. I think of the message we heard at church yesterday. Jesus loved and showed love. First thing he did is, Jesus gave himself, relationally, making himself available. In Jesus, he demands that we give self, not just finances. Jesus viewed generosity as a means of service and not power. Jesus always brought value to people when he served them. Being humbled, and putting their person ahead of himself. I think this is what is means to be genuine and love everyone. The funny thing is I serve, I serve in my own way and this is how I show love. I won't hug, or say it, but if you find yourself being brought a meal, being thrown a party, being brought a treat, being painted something or being made a cake you'll know that I do indeed love you. The hurdle to leap across is giving myself relationally. It's difficult. I know it is demanded of me. And I thank all the people in my lives that cause me to squirm because you give me hugs. Day by Day I am being molded. Forever on the potters wheel.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Sitting in silence
Tomorrow Kyle and I will fly to California to say goodbye to a family member. This day has come too quickly and too sudden. It's our first time supporting each other in this kind of event. I didn't know uncle Jim very well, but I know that he went to my wedding. He supported Kyle and I and he really enjoyed the photo booth at the wedding. I know he was a Raider fan and loved football. It hard to know how to feel when flying to a funeral. It feels like a weight on my shoulders as I battle anxiety over flying and seeing my family. Being together with my family during such a difficult time. I've never been good at hugging or being in crowds, but I know tomorrow none of that will matter. I know tomorrow its about Uncle Jim. Tomorrow I get to learn about him. Learn about how he was as a person. Learn about how he lived and learn about what he loved. I may not have known him very well but by the end of the week I will know him and remember him.
Today at school the students were all loud and excitable. I am finishing up my sub plans, and getting together last minute notes for my staff. I sit here in silence. Just listening. Trying to quiet the thoughts in my head. Trying to learn how to be still and know the Lord is Lord. Has anyone ever tried it? Here I am trying it, yet I am typing my blog.
Silence.
1, 2, 3...
Silence.
In this world of instant can anyone really sit in silence? Does it need to be on top of a mountain or an open field. Can we put down our phones while at the same time putting down our thoughts? How do we do this? Through practice and discipline. Like everything in life.
Silence.
Today at school the students were all loud and excitable. I am finishing up my sub plans, and getting together last minute notes for my staff. I sit here in silence. Just listening. Trying to quiet the thoughts in my head. Trying to learn how to be still and know the Lord is Lord. Has anyone ever tried it? Here I am trying it, yet I am typing my blog.
Silence.
1, 2, 3...
Silence.
In this world of instant can anyone really sit in silence? Does it need to be on top of a mountain or an open field. Can we put down our phones while at the same time putting down our thoughts? How do we do this? Through practice and discipline. Like everything in life.
Silence.
Monday, January 26, 2015
Seeing blessings in everyday life
This last week was a tough week. Kyle and I experience shock, pain, and grief. Kyle experienced a kind of reality and panic about life and family. I experienced learning to be patient in a different way. But in the midst of all of this the Lord made his presence known. In all the little things.
Celebrating a birthday and being able to still bring joy to someone else. Watching a family come together to surprise their mother while at school is still so wonderful.
Being able to watch my husband study for a test and be mesmerized by the fact that he is studying 7 days before he has the test! Skyping with my dog. Making Chili. Delivering chili. Teaching others about a frito boat. Seriously how is it that no one here knows what a frito boat is! Having a student spontaneously request something by first getting my attention and using a full sentence! Driving over to my sister house Friday and surprising my nephew with a last minute sleep over at my house. Being able to text a co-woker to return a red box movie for me. Watching my nephew wiggle in excitement. Waking up to the strange noises of my nephew. Going to the omsi and watching my nephew explore with Kyle. Teaching my nephew about rescuing animals. Cooking for my sister. Taking a bath in essential oils. Making a new friend at work. Having the desire to eat salad. Going to church on Sunday. Going over to my sisters house and doing insanity. Walking to the park. Getting a kiss form my nephew. Driving home and stopping by the mall. Getting a text from a friend wanting to bless kyle and I with airline points. Being humbled and learning how to receive. Being on the receiving end of getting help from a friend in community group. Finally realizing what community group is. Getting closer with a friend. Kyle getting 104% on his test. Learning how to fix the DVR. Finding a new show to obsess about. Having essential oils.
This whole week and weekend has been stressful but its the little things that make me slow down. Its the little things that make me see Christ and all the work he is doing. Christ is glorified through his own works. Not mine. I am the risotto and he is the chef. Adding little bits of joy and wonder into my life.
There are blessings everyday.
Celebrating a birthday and being able to still bring joy to someone else. Watching a family come together to surprise their mother while at school is still so wonderful.
Being able to watch my husband study for a test and be mesmerized by the fact that he is studying 7 days before he has the test! Skyping with my dog. Making Chili. Delivering chili. Teaching others about a frito boat. Seriously how is it that no one here knows what a frito boat is! Having a student spontaneously request something by first getting my attention and using a full sentence! Driving over to my sister house Friday and surprising my nephew with a last minute sleep over at my house. Being able to text a co-woker to return a red box movie for me. Watching my nephew wiggle in excitement. Waking up to the strange noises of my nephew. Going to the omsi and watching my nephew explore with Kyle. Teaching my nephew about rescuing animals. Cooking for my sister. Taking a bath in essential oils. Making a new friend at work. Having the desire to eat salad. Going to church on Sunday. Going over to my sisters house and doing insanity. Walking to the park. Getting a kiss form my nephew. Driving home and stopping by the mall. Getting a text from a friend wanting to bless kyle and I with airline points. Being humbled and learning how to receive. Being on the receiving end of getting help from a friend in community group. Finally realizing what community group is. Getting closer with a friend. Kyle getting 104% on his test. Learning how to fix the DVR. Finding a new show to obsess about. Having essential oils.
This whole week and weekend has been stressful but its the little things that make me slow down. Its the little things that make me see Christ and all the work he is doing. Christ is glorified through his own works. Not mine. I am the risotto and he is the chef. Adding little bits of joy and wonder into my life.
There are blessings everyday.
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