As a teacher we all look forward to summer. Its a much needed break and I know that other people may read this and think I deserve a break too and I agree but don't think that all teacher do in the summer is go on vacation.
Many teachers myself included use this time to go to trainings, build curriculum, tutor, teach summer school, catch up on some much needed family time, and spend the days thinking of what do do next school year.
Many teachers have to teach or tutor because the summer means 2-3 months without a paycheck so going on vacation is pretty much out of the question. Trainings cost money as well, and so does curriculum. You'll probably see a lot of teachers at book sales, or estate sales just trying to find one special book, or one special item that will help with the next generation of kids.
During the school year its hours of planning, writing, reports, worrying about specific students and being anxious about professional development reviews. Some teachers worry about having a job from year to year due to the fluctuations of budgets year to year. But let me tell you something I would gladly do this all year then be in relationship with my community.
To me summer means having to connect with others. It means no longer using school as an excuse, it means having to find something else to talk about. My life is my work. Ask me the right question and I could go on and on about my students or behavior or autism or anything educated related. Ask me a question about what to do with your own kid or how to teach a kid this and I will go on for hours. I would probably even offer to come observe and then hatch a game plan. I am good at my job. This is certain. This is a talent and gift the Lord has given me that is without a doubt. I read a card today that was given to me by one of my supervisors... it reads "you are one of the best teachers I've worked with over the last 37 years!" and reading things like this still surprises me. I know I am good at my job but I don't do it for the show of others. I just do.
2 weeks ago our church started a new series called encounters. Its going to be painful series I can already tell. My pastor wants us to encounter Jesus at our most broken part of ourselves. He asked us to sit and think of something that we need Jesus to encounter, take it and ask him to fix it, maybe not in the life time but just to take it. Admit it, and be open and honest about our brokenness. We are all broken in some way, but we don't talk about it. We don't do much with our brokenness. I know I don't. I keep others at arms length. Its difficult. Because being open means having people see what lies beneath the surface. It means having people see me for more than just a teacher. It means having people see my wounds. And above all else it means having to accept the love of others and loving them back openly.
I have a very wonderful friend who has always said "I love you" to me anytime we are texting or anytime we get off the phone. And I just don't know what to say. Of course I love her in my heart but to say the words. To actually say them to her its difficult. Some of you reading this may think why is this hard and my answer is I don't know. But I am thankful for my friend who has not given up on me and understands. My biggest worry is never saying it to those close to me and suddenly they are gone. I do care though, don't get me wrong and I do want to dive into deeper relationships with others but how. How do people do this? How do others love so freely? Which leads me to the question, How does God even love me? In all my sin and brokenness, how does he love me freely, chasing me, wanting to be in relationship with me. I know I keep him at arms length in some regards.
I think if someone were to ask my seriously, "how are you?" during the summer months, my answer would probably be "I'm barely holding on" but I won't say it because then the question why comes up or worse no response happens. I'm not comfortable with either answer because one response means being open and the other response means I was open but no one cares. I think that is the biggest struggle. And why should others care. They have their own lives to worry about. I'm better about taking others worries and praying for them. I'm good at that. Its letting others care for me that is not easy because it means relationship, it means actually talking about other things. It means being real.
Summer means real.
