Kindness

 Its August 2021.

 I don't even feel like August 2020 happened.

 It seems as though we are still in the same spot we were a year ago. People are fighting with one another over a mask. Over a vaccine, a simple jab in the arm. A jab that most everyone in their life time has received. I sit and often try to put myself in their shoes. What would cause a person to look at a piece of cloth and suddenly throw a tantrum like a 2 year old. And the only thing I can come up with this ignorance. 

Pure and simple 

And I do not mean to call my friends or family that are not vaccinated, ignorant. Let me back up. I believe that the word ignorant has a really bad connotation. We often use it to call someone stupid or dumb. And truth be told if we look at the language, the word dumb is closer in meaning then stupid. To be dumb or ignorant about something simple means you do not know. This has nothing to do with your mental capacity to learn nor does it call into question the level of your intelligence at that very moment. It simply means you just don't know. And you don't know what you don't know right? 

The people that are ignorant about science and then choose to not get the vaccine when it first came about have the right to be fearful and apprehensive. The whole pandemic has seem scary. Every day the news is telling us more people are dying, that loved ones have been put on ventilators. Every day it seems I know someone effected by this pandemic. And it is getting to be too much. The kindness I normally extend to others is slowly being depleted. And in short it is because of the rampant ignorance in this nation, but not just that, but the ideology of basking in our ignorance. I am tired of my students asking me when the virus will be over, only to answer, until enough people get the vaccine."unfortunately buddy it'll be this way for awhile. To which I hear, but I got the vaccine!" My own students have all received the vaccine. We have come to a precipice where fact is no longer a valid argument, but that ideology comes before biology. Opinion is stronger then fact and for this reason I believe we can no longer try to show fact. Because its no longer simple ignorance, It just plan ideology. 

So, after much prayer and thought, talking with my Heavenly Father I appeal to the love that we all have in us. The capacity to be image bearers of Our Father in Heaven. Being an image bearer of God is such a high calling. When I stop and think about what that means and what that looks like I am in awe that I am made in the image of God. The God above, we are made in his image. If you think about that, then every person we meet is a facet of the all Mighty God above. But this also means we as believers are charged with either recognizing the God above has done this for us, in order for us to look toward him and serve him and his kingdom. Or we can recognize this and think we are god, and serve only ourselves and our interest. 

Wearing a mask and getting the vaccine is for God kingdom, especially because it is such a  simple thing, that doesn't require anything except putting your arm out twice.  If you refused to look at the science and the facts then I appeal to the God shaped image in your heart. Martin Luther wrote the following himself during  the bubonic plague, (yes the world has gone through this before... its really not the end of times) 

"I shall ask God mercifully to protect us. Then I shall fumigate, help purify the air, administer medicine and take it. I shall avoid places and persons where my presences is not needed in order not to become contaminated and thus perchance influence and pollute others and so cause their death as a result of my negligences. If God should wish to take me, he will surely find me and i have done what he has expected of me and so I am not responsible for either my own death or the death of others. If my neighbor needs me however i shall not avoid place or person but will go freely as stated above. See this is such a God fearing faith because it is neither brash nor foolhardy and does not tempt God. -Martin Luther-1527

Our world is in a state of pain and hurt. But it hurts more and more when the simple act of kindness like wearing a mask to not spread germs to others in order to not overwhelm our hospitals is hard for grown adults to follow. These same adults follow government rules and behave in ways that help others. 

The verse Deuteronomy 22:8... is a pretty funny verse: When you build a new house, make a parapet around your roof so that you may not bring the guilt of bloodshed on your house if someone falls from the roof.

The genius of this verse is that it is so much more. A roof doesn't need a fence, no one goes up on a roof so there is not need to keep people safe with a fence around a a roof. 

But we have speed limits, this keeps people safe. We shovel the snow on our sidewalks for people to walk safely. We wear seatbelts to keep ourselves and others safe. We have handrails on stairs to keep people safe. For the most part, kindness is within us. We want to help our fellow man, we do want to keep people safe. 

There are many things we do on a daily basis that is in kindness. At least I want to believe that the majority of the world wants to be kind. Put down your politics, put down your ideology, look inward and reflect kindness and love.  Instead of basking in ignorance of not understanding the vaccine, turn around act in kindness. Remember your neighbors, act in love. 

Practicing Grace

I think the country was shocked when slowly our lives started to change. Slowly we stayed glued to the TV as we watched the pandemic of Covid-19 take over our lives. We watched as governs shut down schools. The president shutting down gatherings of more then 10 people. We listened to stories of family members dying alone and scared. We looked at picture after picture of our medical and health professionals risking their lives, faces, and families to help those in need. As our freedoms started slowly getting stripped away our brains was making connections as quickly as it could to make sense of all of this.
I think unless you are part of the medical field or government that idea or the concept of a pandemic is probably not very developed. Our minds can do amazing things, but we are all a product of how we were raised or taught. Regardless of what other say. How we view the world will always be different then the person sitting next to you. Even if you have similar stories we all PROCESS information differently.
While I am happy that we have social media during this time. I will say that social media is drastically adding to the concept of how we feel about the pandemic as well as how we respond and what we do. I know during this time we are all handling the best we can, but I would encourage you to put down social media every now and then. We have families and people who are suffering. We have people in this country that may not be able to eat tonight. And yet we applaud celebrities for donating a grain of their money while they ask us to buy from them during this time and donate our own money. People are without jobs and yet celebrities are still doing ads and trying to solicit to you. I do not want to take away from the fact that people are donating money. I am glad we are all rallying together to help one another. But the sad fact remains the more we look to our celebrities for inspiration the more we are pulling further and further away from how we were designed to live. I don't want to get into the debate "if they should donate more", or "well its their money"... the fact that we have this debate tells me the sad nature of our country. I think they should donate more even if it is their money. The millionaires and billionaires in our country will never live long enough to enjoy all of their riches. All this to say shop local. Call your local restaurant. They aren't millionaires. They are just trying to feed their families.
We are living in an extraordinary time. And during this time I would encourage you to just be. We are all doing the best we can. Again most of us have no idea what a pandemic was before all this and now we are living it without any idea of what to do. As a Christian I am reminded of the love and glory of our savior. Whether you believe or not, the ideals that were spread from Christ are designed to bring forth all that is within us. But during this time be reminded to take time. Take time for yourself. Don't feel like you have to be better, or read more, or study more, or learn a new hobby, or draw closer to Christ. I will remind you again. We are all going through something that we have very little knowledge about.
Practice grace. Practice grace toward each other. Call and text your loved ones. Stop reading the news so much. Stop expecting things to get better. Stop hoping that we can open sooner. Just be. This is the season we are in. Enjoy it. We have all been force to know ourselves. Get to know yourself. Journal. Or not. We are being forced to cook at home more. We are being forced to learn how to live with each other without constantly being distracted. We are living in an extraordinary time. And the most wonderful thing that will come of this is hopefully from this experiences our concepts of compassion, patience, serving others, love, hope, belief... will be compounded and we rise up as better people. I hope that when all this is over... I can see the extraordinary glory of my savior... As I know he is with us all. 

Fostering...

Today I will attend the first class to the first steps to becoming a foster parent. For as long as I could remember I never had a desire for my own children. Since I started serving at my church in my teen years to now running my own school, I have always had a desire to foster. Why? I know many people may think that I am doing something incredible or wonderful. Some people may think I'm crazy and question why I would bring in kids that are not my own. And I know many are wondering why I will not have my own children. I also know that in a biblical sense it does not make sense why I do not want my own children. This blog is not intended to shame anyone or make anyone feel like they should foster. I believe that we all have our own paths and that there is no wrong way to serve the Lord.

So firstly, it is not that I don't want my own children, it is that my desire to serve my community and humanity is greater than the desire to have children. I count all my students as my children. I would do anything for them. And I believe that I am fulfilling my destiny by walking this path. I love children. I love my nephews and nieces. I have prayed many nights about having children. Kyle has prayed many nights about having children. We have asked many pastors about what we should do as Christians. The response we get is "to be fruitful and multiple." In my heart God has given me peace that the world is multiplied enough.  We have a lot of children on this earth. But a small portion of these children are not experiencing "love" and more importantly Christ's love. This image of children not having a steady home. The image of children moving from home to home. The image of children defeated and alone is more than I can bear. Do I believe I will do miracles and magically show these children what "love" is. No I do not. I do not think I will make any changes to these children. I leave that to Christ. Christ will cause the heart to change. Christ will show these children what "Love" is. I am simple a steward of his work.

I also want to say that I don't think I am doing anything incredible. This is just the path I have been put on. What is incredible is that I have a husband who understands this vision and wants to walk beside me during this process. I don't think that Kyle even fully comprehends how difficult this process may be. I, personally, am bracing for the worst. I am bracing for a child to come into my home and destroy everything I have put in his room. I am bracing for a child to slam the door on my face, to throw dinner on the floor because I didn't make it right. I am bracing for a child to run away and for me to panic while to trying to look for the child. I am bracing for a child to do all these only to be taken away again. I am bracing for that same child to come back after week away and to start the process all over again. I am bracing for words like "I hate you, I hate everything, you suck, you're not my mom." None of this will prepare me for any of these children. My sole job will be to be loving, open and understanding. My sole job is to love unconditionally while having expectations, because while I can feel sorry for these kids and want to spoil them, I know this will not show them love. This will show them surface placating that will not result in understanding or growth. I can feel sorry for these kids but I will not create a world that feeling sorry for them excuses them to grow up and become adults that continue the cycle of not know how to love.

If just one child that comes to my home comes out of it knowing a little bit more about what love is and how it should be then I know I will have done something right. When I think about how the brain is shaped by experiencing. And the fact that I know that negative experiences will burn into our brains 5 times more than positive ones makes my job that much harder. We all know what that is like to be consumed by negative thoughts. To be consumed by doubt, fear and anxiety. These children are consumed by the unknown, by having a family that needs help to come together. And that is what I am hoping to help with. I will walk along side these families. I will extend grace and love to the parents because quite honestly they are only doing as well as they can. It is not my place to judge or speak ill of these families. We all have walked different paths and the human condition is deeply complex. How something can effect our minds will differ from place to place. And it is not anyone place to judge or lessen how someone's mind thinks.

Everything in my life has been leading up to this moment. Working in education, getting my masters, marrying a soul that understands what I am trying to do and wanting to do it as well.
None of this is incredible or worth celebrating. I am just finally doing what I was created to do. And God is so good... he is so good I could cry. I was created to do this... and the Creator is never wrong.

Its the little things

So this year I opened a school. I opened a program designed for kids with special needs. This has been a life long dream of mine. Something in my heart has always told me that there was more to life then this. That all the kids I have taught deserve more and they are capable of more. My house is littered with pictures of my past students. I think of them often. I still have parents email me and tell me about their child. And since opening my own program I have been able to be reunited with the kids I've had before. There is one thing that strikes me with all my students. My kids. It's the little things that stay with them. Whenever I meet a new student I try to find the things they like, I like to try to figure out what speaks to them. I try to meet them where they are. See who they really are and connect with them. And after all this time its the little things that matter.  And I am thinking about this, because today I was dropping one of my students off at his house.

A little history, he came to me as a 6th grader. Sweet kid, quiet and always wanting to do right. He was a pleaser. He wanted to always be the one to help, the one to correct other kids, the one that just followed the rules. But he also was extremely sensitive to being corrected. If at any time it seemed like someone was reprimanding him he would start to cry and run away. So I started to hug him and tell him "you're my favorite...shhhhh." I would do this at random times of the day. Just to remind him that its ok to be corrected, its ok to get things wrong... he's still my favorite. Now is he truly my favorite.... nah... I don't have favorites. I love all my kids differently and for different reasons. This student just happened to need to hear this.

Fast forward  3 years and while I'm dropping him off, I give him a fist bump and turn around to leave. I hear "you're my..." and I turned back around and he is waiting for me to finish the sentence. I almost teared up... I look at him and say "you're my favorite.... shhhh" and he does the quiet signal while saying shhh with me. A huge smile breaks out on his face...He needed it. Its our thing. Its a small thing but as his mother says "its made a lifetime impact." 

I don't think I intentionally do things to make a life time impact. I never know the kind of impact I have on these kids. But when something like this happens I realize just what an impact the little things do. 

"Be calm and flexible" is probably the most simple phrase spoken to these kids but they make a lasting impact. At home and at school. I've had parents tell me they never have been able to go out to eat and once their child learned to be calm and flexible suddenly they are going out as a family. Another favorite of mine "who's the boss?" 

For some reason reminding the kids "who is the boss" helps turn them around. I don't know why and I don't know how but it does. 

Taking my kids camping for the first time has impacted one student so much that he can't stop thinking about going camping next summer. He keeps asking about it and just wants to experience it again. Even saying the words "hey pretty girl" just puts a smile on one of my students faces. It just speaks to her. She could be in a terrible mood and I can say hey pretty girl and it instantly turns her around. 

I don't know why or how but I do know it makes an impact. I hope that for as long as I am teaching I never stop doing the little things. I never stop just meeting my kids where they are. Because honestly They are all my favorite. 

How do we move on from this...

This year has been a tough one. I have felt moved to write multiple times. I don't know why I feel the need to write my thoughts out but I do know that I only write when I feel the Lord compelling my heart to share with the world what I am currently processing. I don't think people care to know what I think but all the same I am writing because the Lord compels me. I think as a whole everyone in our country has at some point or another looked up to the Heavens and wondered why? Looked at each other with deep sorrow and just felt the need to hear "It will get better." But will it? Will it get better? I think this year has shown that it isn't. It's not getting better. And as a society I fear that we are becoming desensitized by all the horror and sadness around us. I often think about this quote

"We live in an time that spills over with contradictions. Extraordinary wealth gushes alongside grinding poverty. Episodes of horrific bloodshed contrast starkly against unprecedented stretches of peace, in which billions of living human beings have never personally experienced war. Within a single lifespan we've seen great burgeonings of freedom -- and the worst tyrannies of all time." Brin

And I'd say that right now that we are living in a episode of horrific bloodshed as well as tear shed. We are living in a time where we are having to explain to our children, my students, what is happening in the world. And that there is unbelievable evils in this world and it hurts my heart. I find myself on the verge of tears everyday and my heart can't take anymore. And anyone that knows me knows that I am not one to wear my emotions on my sleeves and I do not cry. But I can't help but become saddened that as a people we are becoming increasingly divided. That we are defining ourselves with what we believe and we are holding strong to our opinions instead of talking with one another. Not trying to gain a deeper knowledge and understanding of what is happening around us. I think every one of us takes what we see in the world from a different perspective. Thats just how the mind works. We are shaped by our experiences and from that comes our lens of how we see the world. But with each passing day I find the conversations we are having with one another to be either one sided or completely shallow. We no longer want to know what others think and we no longer want to understand. We are living in a time where the freshman at my high school are in desperate need of some kind of connection. 

Today I learned the results of a survey that was given to the freshman at my school. The survey asked how can we help you succeed this year in school. a) I need some kind of club to talk to with someone and connect with someone. b) I need a club where I can talk about and deal with my depression and anxiety. c) I need a club that helps me deal with my family life. d) I am fine and I can handle school, I don't need anything. The results were shocking. About half of the students said they need someone to connect with. 1/3 of the results said that they need someone to help them deal with their depression and anxiety. Let me remind you. These are 14 year olds. We are living in a time where if you have an issue, it is either used against you or it should not be talked about. People, teens, don't feel safe or a sense of belonging.  

We are relational beings. We long to feel connected to one another. Now I'm not talking about getting a huge group together and hug it out. Lord help the person that decides to hug me. I'm talking about getting to know each other on a deeper level, talk about the hard truths and be open and honest. I find the circle of people that I can be open and honest with is dwindling day to day. I find that as I continue to feel the sorrow in my heart it has become more difficult to connect with anyone. I find that we are filling up our lives with "good news" "brightening our days." Because the truth is just too dark. I think its well and good to look at the bright side but I also find it wrong to try to ignore the darkness and act like it doesn't exist. Because the honest truth is that even if you aren't living it doesn't mean the darkness isn't there for other people. The destruction of our country is still there, people are still recovering losses from the hurricanes. People are still grieving the loss of loved ones, of the heroes who laid down their life. I'm learning that is is super easy to swipe away from the sadness, or to pretend everything is fine. And that scares me. It shouldn't be that easy. We should be hurting with one another. Reaching out to one another. And just being relational with one other. Please don't let the differences we may have with one another divide us.  

We are living in a time where the only thing that matters is your opinion and you better hold on to it super tight. Hold on to it super tight and wave it loud and proud. Challenge everyone with it. I think we need to live in a time where we can have our differences but conversations we should be having are what can we change about the here and now. How can we help one another? How can we better serve one another. Loving each other like we aren't scared, give when its not fair and live life for one another. The opinions we have should not be so strong that we can't put them down and help one another.They shouldn't stop us from  talking with one another. Make change happen and face that truth of the world we are living in now. Don't hold on to your opinion so strongly that you are desensitizing yourself to the fact that you may have a loved one that is hurting, or might not be feeling safe. Reach out. Talk with someone, listen. Listen to one another and be accepting. Thats how we can move on as a country in a healing manner.  Don't let others suffer in silence. Because in the end it really doesn't matter who is right or wrong. It really doesn't. In the grand scheme of things what kind of life are you really living if all you have are your opinions.  Don't ram your own beliefs down someones throat because that doesn't change anything  You want to make a change, you want to make things different? Do something, start something and start with people in your circle. Start with love. 

Open letter to educational leaders

Let me start by saying I love being a teacher. I have had one time in my teaching life where I wanted to leave the profession. Most of my building administrators are helpful and supportive. I have come across some wonderful colleagues and teachers alike. I am blessed to be surrounded by them daily. That being said I feel the need to speak up against the problems I see in education today.
Recently I completed a course in my masters program that looks at the social injustices in education and the common practices of education. We covered a multitude of topics ranging from banking model teaching, to standardized testing and inequalities that face our students today. I learned a lot in this class, common biases, my own biases and the future of education.
Long story short the class ended with more questions than answers. Across the country we have schools everywhere that answer the call of high office administrators telling teachers what to do. Educational policy makers telling school districts how to teach and what to teach. We have government officials making the changes and not waiting to talk to a teacher. All of whom have not experience in education.
I am lucky to work in a school where my principals value my input and want to hear what I have to say. I wish this were true for everyone.
This is not a blog to speak ill of the current district I work in. This is more a blog to speak about the possibility to improve. I don't know what its like to be an administrator that has to make changes in a school district. I don't know what it's like to look at a school budget and make the tough choices. I don't think I want to be in your place. What I do know is what it's like to be in the unknown. I know what it's like to not know if I'll have a job next year. I know what it's like to have a fear that my program will be displaced and the team that has been created at my current site will change. I know the fear of having to start over and gain the trust of new principals and staff. I know what it's like to just want some answers and wish there was a way that we could know them sooner. I know what it's like to feel disrespected like I don't matter when decisions are made behind closed doors. I know what it's like to be at the bottom of the rung and feel like I am disposable. Moving forward I don't know what is going to happen in the state of Oregon or the school system but I would just like to offer up a few words of advice.
Ask questions, ask teachers what they think. We aren't are as crazy as you think and we want to understand. We want to learn, otherwise we wouldn't have become teachers. Before making a move maybe sit down with a few teachers who have been around the block and try to hear them first. Sometimes the best thing to do, is for teachers to feel heard. We just want to know that someone understands the pressures we go through and that we are not dispensable. Please do not think that teachers are dispensable, that good teachers are a dime a dozen. We work hard, we stay late, we want to make a difference in children's lives. We are the cornerstone of education, without which you would not have a job. Be upfront about what is being done. Have those conversations, have a plan in place if change is going to happen and share it. We are a collaborative bunch and I think you will be surprised to find that we want to find solutions just like you. Teachers are the heart of education, things can not beat with out the breath of teachers. We are in the front lines doing what needs to be done in order to make a difference.
The worst feeling in the world as a teacher is to feel" that I am not important" and that I am just a movable piece in this game called education.

Rise up and love... love deeply and unwaveringly...

This past week has been filled with emotions that have been vast in their range. I didn't think one week could produce this much fear, sadness, anxiety, love, happiness, disappointment and hope. Its been place on my heart for awhile to write this blog. It has been a long time since the Lord has compelled me to write. I'm not the best writer and I'm sure my grammar and prose drives some of my friends and family crazy but regardless I am led to write this.

This week I experienced a co-worker and good friend lose her 23 year old son. Let me stop right there... 23 years old...passed away in his sleep... The grief and pain that I feel for her is so difficult. I felt a sadness that is indescribable and while tears ran down my face during the memorial I watched and listened this family raise up their son with amazing memories of with a son filled with kindness, love, and  intelligence.

I experience two birthdays. One of my big sister. The sister that I so wish I could be and wish nothing but good things for. I got to take her out to lunch and treat her to a delicious meal. I celebrated with with brother in law and one of my favorite nephews.
Another of a new good friend to which I baked and frosted a chocolate cake to help her celebrate. With a handful of good friends, we laughed and made jokes.

I expressed gratitude to my husband and our armed services for their service in protecting this
country. "This is the good holiday" my husband said to me. Yes, this is the good one. This one thanks all our veterans for their service... My husband struggles with memorial day. Having lost friends in the service.

I witnessed a country divided and watched an election that took a turn that no one could have predicted. I watched my friends and co-workers cry and I was filled with sadness and fear for me and others. I talked with a friend and though we had a difference of opinion we still expressed our love for one another, which made my heart flow with love.

I witnessed a city that I have come to love respond with a peaceful protest and lost their voice due to other people who are intent on driving the wedge even deeper. I was disappointed to learn of the destruction of our city and the lives that were injured.

I learned that I got an A+ on my second paper for my masters program and I am glowing with pride and accomplishment from the professors specifically telling me that I have a good grasp of what we are suppose to be learning and have applied it in ways that many of her doctrine students have not yet done.

And in all of this I look to Christ and am reminded that in all of these scenarios he is at the center of it all. That none of this happens by chance. Through all of these I am reminded by him to respond in love. And not just simple love that is often use to explain how we feel about a good dinner, but a deep and unwaveringly love. The love that Christ commands us to have daily. An unwavering love that has no expectations ,but is freely given. I am reminded that regardless of what is happening at the country level we still have neighbors and friends and family that we can love, and serve. Doing good to silence evil, loving the brotherhood and other believers regardless of who is in office. I am directed to 1 timothy 2:1-5, which urges us to to have prayers and gives thanks to be made for all people and even those who are in a high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life. In all that has happened this week I have to respond in prayer and love. I have to, because I have to have hope that God is in control. That the loving God  in his sovereignty is not frantically pacing up in heaven, Because he really does have our best interest in mind. And in my fear and anxiety I find rest in that.

All people are created in the image of God and deserves to be respected, because when someone feels marginalized fear and anxiety are real! I can't not pretend to know how my friends or family feel because I am not them but I can say that when someone feels marginalized their emotions are real! I can't stress that enough. We live in a country with such differences that it would be disgraceful to not validate how someone else feels when we have NO IDEA what it is like to be them. Just like some of my friends have no idea what its like to be a Taiwanese-American or what it really means to walk with Christ or what that looks like.  Now I do not respond in anger when I have a friend say he disagrees with everything I say about Christ and love. Why should I respond in anger? They have no idea what that means because they are not me and they don't know what the life is like. I pray that we remember to respond in love and patiences with others because no one has the right to minimize how someone else feels. We all deserve to be respected and as a follower of Jesus I must posture myself as a servant and in love towards those that are marginalized in our society and I will pray for them while serving them in what capacity I can.

As a follower of Jesus, politics  does not excuse me from following the ways of Jesus. And those ways are in fact loving. First to love one another and that is my identify to the world, and love each other. Daily I will be trying to express what I know Jesus would produce in me and that is Love, Peace, Patience, Gentleness, Joy, Kindness and Self-control. And I would pray that we all do the same to one another. Because Jesus loved me so much that he died for me, not because he agreed with me but selflessly gave himself to me because he disagreed! And I am praying that I can follow in his ways daily.

I pray that we would love rise up and love one another. Not "defriending" those that have walked beside us for years, or fight and argue with co-workers but to rise up and show love. Emotions are running high and I can see the divide happening. I, for one, refused to let this divide happen in my life. My friends have not changed, I just get to see another side of them. Another side that requires me to love them regardless of how they feel, or say or do, because Jesus loves me unwaveringly. And isn't that the biggest hurdle, to love one another. Lets conquer that hurdle together...