Fostering...

Today I will attend the first class to the first steps to becoming a foster parent. For as long as I could remember I never had a desire for my own children. Since I started serving at my church in my teen years to now running my own school, I have always had a desire to foster. Why? I know many people may think that I am doing something incredible or wonderful. Some people may think I'm crazy and question why I would bring in kids that are not my own. And I know many are wondering why I will not have my own children. I also know that in a biblical sense it does not make sense why I do not want my own children. This blog is not intended to shame anyone or make anyone feel like they should foster. I believe that we all have our own paths and that there is no wrong way to serve the Lord.

So firstly, it is not that I don't want my own children, it is that my desire to serve my community and humanity is greater than the desire to have children. I count all my students as my children. I would do anything for them. And I believe that I am fulfilling my destiny by walking this path. I love children. I love my nephews and nieces. I have prayed many nights about having children. Kyle has prayed many nights about having children. We have asked many pastors about what we should do as Christians. The response we get is "to be fruitful and multiple." In my heart God has given me peace that the world is multiplied enough.  We have a lot of children on this earth. But a small portion of these children are not experiencing "love" and more importantly Christ's love. This image of children not having a steady home. The image of children moving from home to home. The image of children defeated and alone is more than I can bear. Do I believe I will do miracles and magically show these children what "love" is. No I do not. I do not think I will make any changes to these children. I leave that to Christ. Christ will cause the heart to change. Christ will show these children what "Love" is. I am simple a steward of his work.

I also want to say that I don't think I am doing anything incredible. This is just the path I have been put on. What is incredible is that I have a husband who understands this vision and wants to walk beside me during this process. I don't think that Kyle even fully comprehends how difficult this process may be. I, personally, am bracing for the worst. I am bracing for a child to come into my home and destroy everything I have put in his room. I am bracing for a child to slam the door on my face, to throw dinner on the floor because I didn't make it right. I am bracing for a child to run away and for me to panic while to trying to look for the child. I am bracing for a child to do all these only to be taken away again. I am bracing for that same child to come back after week away and to start the process all over again. I am bracing for words like "I hate you, I hate everything, you suck, you're not my mom." None of this will prepare me for any of these children. My sole job will be to be loving, open and understanding. My sole job is to love unconditionally while having expectations, because while I can feel sorry for these kids and want to spoil them, I know this will not show them love. This will show them surface placating that will not result in understanding or growth. I can feel sorry for these kids but I will not create a world that feeling sorry for them excuses them to grow up and become adults that continue the cycle of not know how to love.

If just one child that comes to my home comes out of it knowing a little bit more about what love is and how it should be then I know I will have done something right. When I think about how the brain is shaped by experiencing. And the fact that I know that negative experiences will burn into our brains 5 times more than positive ones makes my job that much harder. We all know what that is like to be consumed by negative thoughts. To be consumed by doubt, fear and anxiety. These children are consumed by the unknown, by having a family that needs help to come together. And that is what I am hoping to help with. I will walk along side these families. I will extend grace and love to the parents because quite honestly they are only doing as well as they can. It is not my place to judge or speak ill of these families. We all have walked different paths and the human condition is deeply complex. How something can effect our minds will differ from place to place. And it is not anyone place to judge or lessen how someone's mind thinks.

Everything in my life has been leading up to this moment. Working in education, getting my masters, marrying a soul that understands what I am trying to do and wanting to do it as well.
None of this is incredible or worth celebrating. I am just finally doing what I was created to do. And God is so good... he is so good I could cry. I was created to do this... and the Creator is never wrong.